What Are the Best Ways to Manage Sibling Rivalry?

Your kids are content playing a game of soccer in the yard. You smile at your two offspring who are BFFs. So, you happily bury your head in a book for some much-needed ‘me time’. Not for long though. That’s because the next minute, they’re pushing and shoving each other in a spat of sibling rivalry. You toss your book aside and are stuck playing referee.

Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. “It is natural that children within every family may love each other very deeply, but at the same time, can hardly escape moments in which one child resents the other,” says Elizabeth Berger, M.D., a Manhattan-based child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. Kids are trying to compete for your love and respect. They’re attempting to express their needs and wants.

Other factors that impact how well kids get along include sex, personality, family size, age, and birth order. Kids close in age, for example, might fight more than ones farther apart. Kids of the same sex might be more likely to compete against one another. Middle children might act out more since they may not get the same attention or privileges as their older or younger siblings.

7 Strategies to Reduce Sibling Rivalry

Yes, nearly all siblings are bound to fight, hit, scream, tease, and tattle. Whatever the cause, it’s important that you foster a good relationship between siblings and ensure that any conflicts don’t damage their relationship. Here is how you can manage sibling rivalry:

1. Set expectations. Kids should understand the house ground rules, which should include no hitting, cursing, damaging property, or calling one another names. They should know what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior. They should also be aware of the consequences when they misbehave. Praise them when they do follow the rules.

2. Avoid comparisons. “It’s hard for parents to resist comparisons between their offspring, especially when the parent is annoyed at one of them while the other is being a perfect angel,” Dr. Berger says. That’s why you should do your best not to point out your kids’ differences in abilities and behaviors in front of them.

“Each child is an individual,” says Edward Kulich, M.D., who provides house calls in the New York area with his practice KidsHousecalls. Your child might feel like he’s being criticized or think he’s not as loved as his sibling. “Comparisons between children only reinforce the rivalry,” Dr. Berger adds. “Comparison tends to emphasize that the parent is trying to identify a winner and a loser, rather than admiring each child as an individual.”