How to Prepare Your Child to Become a Big Brother or Big Sister

If you're expecting your second or third child, you may be wondering how to prepare your older kids for the new baby. We spoke to experts and parents who have been there to get advice for preparing your child to become a big brother or big sister. 

It was once believed that Earth was the center of the universe. But those early scientists got it wrong: Ask any mom and she will tell you that everything revolves around her first-born.

Whether it’s for 10 months or a few years, the oldest child has Mom and Dad’s attention all to herself. So while parents may be delighted they’re expecting a second child, they may worry about how to break the news to their first-born and prevent any jealousy that might arise.

“Bringing a new baby into the world is a very complex and magical process,” says Kenneth Schuster, Psy.D., clinical neuropsychologist in the Learning and Development Center and director of clinical training at the Child Mind Institute. “But for a child, it is best to keep things simple and concrete. Introduce the subject in an age-appropriate manner. Answer his or her questions using age-appropriate language. Keep in mind that what is appropriate for one two-year-old may not be appropriate for another. Different children have different language skills and social maturity. ...You need to meet your child where he is, and remember that anecdotal stories about what may have worked for another family will not necessarily work for your child.”

With that in mind, read on for ways to prepare your child for the new baby.
   

Be Strategic About When You Break the News

If being pregnant for nine months seems like forever to you, imagine how long it would seem to a 2-year-old! After all, a 1-minute timeout feels like an hour to a kid that age. So if you have a very young child, breaking the baby news early may not be best. He may not even understand at first or remember what you’ve said.

Many other factors may impact your decision about when to share your news. For instance, if you’re not feeling well, you may consider telling her sooner rather than later, or else she may worry you’re really sick.

Your growing belly will eventually become noticeable, making the talk inevitable. “The news that a baby is on the way becomes more meaningful to a young child when there are perceptible changes to their physical environment,” Dr. Schuster says. “For instance, perhaps the child is noticing mommy’s shrinking lap. Or the child has taken note that his parents are moving in furniture and painting walls.”

Until you’re ready to share the news, be discreet. Even a very young child hears her parents talking and can pick up on “secret” information. More importantly, however, you don’t want your child, at any age, hearing the news from anyone else. “You want to make sure you’re keeping them in the loop,” says Jen Trachtenberg, M.D., assistant clinical professor of pediatrics at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai.
   

Keep the Conversation About a Younger Sibling Simple

When sharing the news with your young child, be direct. Simply say, “Mommy has a baby in her belly.” Even older children don’t need to hear additional details. This is not the time for a “birds and bees” talk, Dr. Schuster says. There will be plenty of time for your child to ask questions should she need further explanation.

Be sure not to ask your child if he wants a baby brother or sister. This could backfire! (What are you going to do if she says, “No”?)

Just as important as sharing the factual news with your child is conveying the emotions surrounding it. Reassure her that you and your partner are fully capable of loving both her and her new sibling. “Emphasize that she will not be left out, that there’s more than enough love to go around,” Dr. Trachtenberg says.
   

Accentuate the Positive of a Having Baby Sibling

Over the coming months, there will be many opportunities for you to prepare your child for the big event. Of course, not everything you tell him about the new baby will be rosy. Explain that new baby brothers and sisters are not born ready to play, but rather spend a lot of time sleeping, eating, crying, and pooping (expect a giggle for that one). Tell your child he did the same thing when he was a baby.

The trick is to spin the “bad news” in a positive way. For instance, tell your child the baby will cry a lot, but also say it will be like a game to figure out what she needs. Is she hungry? Tired? Needing a diaper change?

Emma L., who lives in New York City with her husband and two children, Ella (7) and Rafa (4), believes finding a good marketing angle is the best way to deal with potential issues. “Need to transition the older child to a bed, so the newborn can have the crib? Market it as an amazing new bed she gets to have because she is such a big girl!” she suggests.